Before you wreck yourself for another human, you need to know your strengths, boundaries, standards, how to communicate through conflict and remain who you are. On this edition of, I’m learning how to have adult relationships after years of messed up ones….

My first relationship wasn’t a terrible one. It was 15 years, no fighting, no real passion, no real common shared interest. I was 15 when it started. I was a baby that grew into a lady that was not aware I was sprouting, until it was too late, we were not on the same page, and I had already started falling asleep at the wheel and veered off course. I was in my own world stomping through the end of the relationship like Godzilla as it came crumbling down taking innocent people I love with me. There will always be a level of love and respect for my sons father/ex husband for those years and a huge portion of life and my growth. Number two…. This one I’ll leave the juicy 4 year mess to my therapist. As I’ve talked about this one in length on other blogs, everything wasn’t allll bad and I did learn a lot and gained some things from it. On to number three! I was trying to swear off any new relationship thoughts or prospects until meeting this one, who also claims he swore off relationships for a bit. After some years of therapy and ongoing growth, I’m learning from my mistakes as best I can to try and not drag my trauma drama across the threshold of this new guys doorway.

Conflict communication was not something that would have crossed my mind before. I mean, I’ve had conflict and I’ve had communication. I’ve had communication about conflict. Did I ever stop to think about the way I communicated through conflicts and how that could vastly change the outcome of a situation.. No. But, I do now! Do I still get it wrong. 100%. Am I trying, learning and getting better. I think so… Have I found that all three of my relationships have had massive communication breakdowns about bathrooms. Yes. Why? No clue. Maybe there is something much deeper there that I need to tap into and unpack. I grew up in a house of 5 people, one tiny bathroom and rarely did you get that sacred/private space or time to yourself. As an adult I now get that say. However, I too as an adult have had one bathroom houses until recently. I never had a say in a place that people spend more time in than any other room. I’ve never been able to cherish that privacy. I’ve never been able to set it the way I want for my peace and flow of my daily routine. You potty there. You clean yourself there. You cry alone there. Your private things are kept there. You inspect every inch of yourself there. Maybe my conflict communication with space sharing hasn’t been properly addressed of it’s deeper reasons. I didn’t even realize this, until I started typing just now. I’m sure there are other communication break downs, but this tends to be the root of my biggest and heaviest stresses that I let weigh on me. I either bottled it up or exploded all at once. It never crossed my mind to speak up and share my feelings because, it’s just a bathroom so I didn’t want to create unnecessary conflict or drama. Thinking more on it I can actually think back at each of the three relationships and the bathroom dust ups. These conflicts range from the renovation to occupancy concerns.

Boundaries. A one word phrase. It says it all in that one word. I had zero concept of the gravity of this word until I let mine be so badly trespassed to the point I ended up in the ER with chest pains and was seeking help from a therapist, doctor and medication because I thought, clearly there was something wrong with me.. My endless need to people please and put others wants before my own left a permanent stamp on my forehead saying.. I’m a door mat, walk all over me, my needs and concerns don’t matter, keep quiet and don’t speak up for yourself, do what others want because their need to be happy matters more than yours, I have no standards. Never again will I compromise myself, my mental well-being, my body, and most importantly my morals in a relationship. I was compromising myself for people that couldn’t take two seconds to consider my boundaries well as theirs.

Give and take. I like to give and give and never take. I feel if I take then I will owe and be in someone’s debt. I have a real hard time taking any help. I do not take compliments well, it’s as though I don’t deserve them. Receiving a gift from someone that is new to me, is so very kind. Although I know this gesture is kind I fight myself to accept it. I want to tell them, no, I don’t need your pity. I’m fine and can do it by myself. Telling someone thank you, offering something from myself or my time, sending a card or buying a gift for no reason in return isn’t enough for me to show my gratitude. I can not be in the give/take unbalance of back and forth. If I do something for someone, I forget I even did it. On the other hand I hold on to a mental note of what they did for me and feel forever in their debt.

Autonomy is another word I learned along this journey. I tend to lose myself with the person I’m with. In my endless need to give, I give all of me. Time apart can be more valuable than people may realize. When people are single they appear to thrive and when they get in relationships they can get stagnant and lose the fun adventurous person they were alone. It’s hard to take a break from your lover sometimes. There should be a healthy level of trust for each of you to still go and do things alone that you enjoy.

As always we are works in progress. The growth of friendships and relationships does not get easier, they just get less difficult. Each age or stage presents a new set of task to maneuver. Learning to talk to people and communicate in a healthy way is vital. Learn to set boundaries, because if you don’t, people will treat you accordingly. Gain healthy habits of give and take. There has to be balance in everything. You also have to respect yourself enough to set your standards and honor them.

“I used to think communication was the key until I realized comprehension is.
You can communicate all you want with someone but if they don’t understand you, it’s silent chaos.” -unknown