How bad am I screwing up my kid? What am I doing to make him better than I am or I was? How can I guide him until it’s his turn to teach and care for me?

Once a child, now turned adult.. I reflect on the things from childhood and I say things like… “that’s probably why I’m so messed up.” Or “Not sure what changed in my parent(s), they were one way, then changed for whatever reason.” (I plug in an age or timeframe I recall for these changes). When you are a child you’re not taking in consideration that your parents are still individuals with their own lives, living, learning and navigating situations as they come.

Let’s look at that second statement first! The one about parents changing. As a young child you don’t know anything other than the humans you live with or the ones you are subjected to, that your adults choose for you. Just like a child changes, grows and goes through phases… Your parents are still doing that too. But, they are trying to make it look like the have some control and a sense of having their shit together. They are working, pursuing their careers, meeting and making new friends, they may be single, in a long marriage with the same person, or maybe dating and subjecting you to their relationships that you are basically forced to be in. Your parents are still trying to figure out their next step! When you become a parent you begin to have more understanding or compassion on why your parents may do what they do or why.

Let’s circle back to that first statement now… Maybe I’m not as messed up as I claim or make jokes about. Maybe I should change the way I articulate that. Maybe, a choice of words more like, “That’s why I do things this way, because situations I went through.” They didn’t necessarily mess me up, they taught me what I want to do the same or differently. I was ‘in choice’ to decide to repeat a pattern I didn’t like, change the pattern, or completely change direction of a learned behavior and choose my own! I am ‘in choice’ to take my experiences and use them as a crutch or excuse, or to use them as a tool to learn and change. I feel like when someone tells a story about someone that makes odd or bad choices, it follows with… Well, they had a rough time growing up and that’s why they do that… to me that’s a terrible excuse. So many people had crazy experiences growing up and turned out to be incredible people, businessmen and parents. By giving people that excuse it only furthers or enables that behavior and makes something ok, that is not.

Every new phase in life you enter alone essentially. You may have family or partners. But, the choices you make are yours. If you are a parent you have an extra little variable to add to your thought process equation for at least 18 years. When your kids are grown and gone you have a whole new world that opens up and so many new stages and changes to come. New friends, new places, new life, deaths, adventures, new jobs and who knows what else… I pray I still have a long unknown path ahead of me. I can try and plan or just take the turns as they come!

I’m going into each new phase with the understanding that the choices and decisions I am making may very well unfold 1-5 years later… If I planned to write a book for example, I may talk about it now and in a year after some thought and mindful choices and forward actions, towards said goal, I could achieve these ideas. Rome wasn’t built in a day. The Notra-Dame Cathedral began in 1163 and completed in 1345… (and wow.. I have been very lucky to see this beauty in person) That’s a cool 182 year end game. Most of the people who started and constructed may have never seen their lives work come to fruition.. This could be like raising kids in the sense that you load them with all the advice to help them build their life and you may never get to see their full story. The choices you made raising them affects the choices they may make in life in some way later.

Side note: My mom is in her 60s, I’m currently 37, and my son is 14. I had an event recently where I was dressed and fancy looking like a full blown grown up. What must that be like for parents to watch your successes and failures? What is it like to hope that, when they move out they “make good choices”. A phrase I’ve said to my son a lot. My son is still a baby to me. I can’t fathom in this moment, wondering what career path(s) will he choose, who he may choose to marry or spend his life with. Man or woman, I don’t care. I can only hope I love them and they love him! What will he look like as a man and who he will become…

I hope I can share with my son my passion for learning, growing and evolving! Never stop questioning. Never stop craving knowledge. Never stop exploring and going on adventures. (When he was little every day we took walks and they way we asked was, do you want to go on an adventure?) I pray he lives a cool full life and comes back to me with his new adventures and teaches me things I wasn’t able to teach him. Hopefully I will have armed him with the tools he needed in his adventures!