Brain never stops. Don’t sleep much or long. Anxiety takes over when everything is going right. Depression sets in. I’m confused at the whole thought of depression, because I’m not sad and have no reason to be depressed. Yet, here I am. This feeling washes over a lot and this year, on the trip of a lifetime I was in my head while in Norway and Paris for a couple weeks. I feared when I came home everyone would forget me and I’d lose all my jobs or potential jobs to other artist. I worked the entire trip, designed the whole time and kept up everything I could while away. In all my travels I’m never, not working! I love to travel and it gives me the opportunity to see things outside of my town. I get to explore and get inspiration from other cities and cultures. So why do I beat myself up?

With any job or roll in life there can be doubts. It’s up to you to change the direction your mind wanders. It’s easy to go the negative thought route. To change directions you have to change the thought process! Easier said than done sometimes. Set goals intentionally and take actions to make them happen. When they don’t happen immediately you can not throw in the towel and give up. That’s the easy out. The hard choice is to keep taking that next step every day to make your lightbulb moments and ideas a reality. No matter the pile of crap you step in, you can always keep walking.

I’m not a graphic designer or trained artist that went to a art or design school! I’ve had graphic design requests lately with little bumps of cash here and there and I wonder if my stuff is too amateur, but I’m coming to terms that I’ll always be that raw artist that works outside of the box of crayons… Coming to terms doesn’t stop the creeping thoughts of doubt.

I go in manic modes, super high highs and heavy couch potato lows where I will spend a week sleeping on the coach. As I write this I think about how last week I was on fire! Wrapped some big jobs and a fun mural. Now, today I’ve been sitting around my house working the entire time and feel like I’m lazy and getting nothing accomplished. My neighbors see me one day dressed up and decked out and today I’m checking my mail in a big T-shirt and underwear. I have to remind myself it’s ok to take a break. I also tell myself, if you’re not producing something visual and still working, that’s not a break and you’re not useless!

How do I get out of these paralyzing days.. I’m not really sure sometimes. I write a lot of todo list. I can not leave a todo list unfinished. When I’m beating myself up I force myself to get dressed and get out. I grab a paper, a pen and a highlighter, start a list and to get going. I live alone a lot of the time. My son switches with his dad doing a week on week off schedule and my boyfriend works in Antarctica. When they are around I’m always on the upper side! I’m not lonely but I am alone a lot. (I have another blog about lonely Vs alone)

Side note: during the pandemic when parents became teachers assistants, my son wasn’t able to get on task, having his teachers sending him loads of assignments and having no real face to face accountability. I taught him the todo list and mark it off method. Complete a list of task and you may proceed. Our mom used to leave us chore list every day and nothing was more satisfying than the list having scratch marks through each item and then taking off on my bike until dinner or dark.

Most of my blogs end with a message of advice or something I’ve learned. I think my message here would be…. I started this blog because my therapist suggested it when we were a year in. We are now 2/3 years in and I would suggest having someone to talk to. Someone you can open up to and get feedback. Someone that can guide you when you’re not sure which way is up or down. Someone that can help you see other side of a situation that you may be blind to in the moment. I’m sharing this because it isn’t always sunshine and flowers. Life is hard. Even though things get hard there is always tomorrow to make a todo list and be a rockstar, you just have to dust yourself off some days and keep walking through the mud to get to greener grass.